Maybe it goes without saying that in order to become a good writer of memoirs you have to become a good listener, but we’ll say it anyway. When you undertake another person’s memoirs, you take on a responsibility to write their story, not your own. So it takes a finely honed listening skill to do a good job.

When you learn how to write memoirs, you learn how to become a good listener.

The common problem with listening is overactive participation. It is only natural to be reminded of your own stories and experiences as you listen to someone else. Even if you don’t blurt out your own story, you may take a mental vacation as you follow that memory and miss what your subject is saying. While this is natural, you need to develop the skill of actively listening to the subject.

Here are some tips on listening to an interviewee.

1. Prepare a list of questions about the story in advance. Use Remembers When Lesson 18 Worksheet, “Interview questions” to help prepare the list. You may never have to ask one of the questions, but listen for the answers. Make a mental note each time one of your questions is answered in the story.
2. Know your subject in advance. This is not merely a matter of acquaintance. You should already know the “historical” context of your subject as much as possible before you begin your interview. When were they born, where did they live, who were their family members?
3. Don’t interrupt unless the subject has strayed so far from the story that they can’t get back. Most people know their own stories and will return to the thread eventually. There are cases, however, when people lose track of what they were saying or become entangled in a web of memories that they can’t escape. Use the most gentle reminders and questions to steer them back to the path.
4. Ask open ended questions. The object in an interview is to have the subject talk. If you ask, “Was it love at first sight?” you might simply get the answer, “No.” Ask instead, “How did you first know you were in love?” Notice we didn’t use the word “when” in that question because that might also lead to a monosylabic answer.
5. Leave room to respond. Don’t rush your subject. If you ask a question and then follow it up immediately with another question – even a clarifying question – your subject may become confused, not knowing which question they are supposed to answer. Chances are they are simply searching for the right answer or memory. Give them time to get there.

There are many excellent resources regarding interviewing and listening skills, but perhaps the best advice is simply to remember that you are recording your subject’s story, not your own. Disengage your inner commentator and editor and become absorbed in the story you are hearing.